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Poli View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19.Feb.2016 at 10:24
Anything is possible     dec d uej

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01.Mar.2016 at 21:34
logika američkih filmova:

Kasalj je uvijek znak smrtonosne bolesti.
 
Detektiv moze rijesitI slucaj samo ako je suspendiran sa duznosti.
 
Muskarac nece pokazati znakove bola dok prima najokrutnije udarce, ali ce se tresti dok zena pokusava ocistiti njegove rane.
 
Jedna sibica dovoljna je da osvijetli sobu bilo koje velicine.
 
Svaka brava moze se u sekundi otvoriti kreditnom karticom ili spajalicom - osim ako to nisu vrata koja vode u zgradu u plamenu s nekim zarobljenim unutra.
 
Nije neophodno reci "dobar dan" ili "do viđenja" kada zapocinjete ili zavrsavate telefonski razgovor.
 
Eiffelov toranj moze se vidjeti s bilo kojeg prozora u Parizu.
 
Jedan covjek koji puca u dvadeset ljudi ima vise sanse da ih ubije, nego dvadeset ljudi koji pucaju u jednog covjeka.
 
Kuhinje nemaju prekidace za svijetlo. Kad u nju ulazite nocu, treba samo otvoriti vrata frizidera i koristiti njegovo svijetlo kao zamjenu.
 
Nije vazno ako ste visestruko nadbrojani u borbi koja ukljucuje borilacke vestine - vasi neprijatelji cekat ce strpljivo da vas napadnu
jedan po jedan, prijeteće plesuci naokolo sve dok ne oborite njihove prethodnike.
 
Majke svakog jutra pripremaju jaja, slaninu i palačinke za svoga supruga i djecu, iako ih oni nikada nemaju vremena pojesti.
 
Jednom nanesen ruz za usne nikad se nece izbrisati - cak i dok ronite s punom ronilackom opremom.
 
Policajcima se uvijek dodjeljuju partneri koji su njihova potpuna suprotnost.
 
Automobili koji se sudare gotovo ce uvijek eksplodirati u plamenu.
 
Cak i pri voznji niz potpuno ravan put neophodno je energicno okrenuti volan s lijeva na desno svakih nekoliko trenutaka.
 
Posteni i radisni policajci po pravilu bivaju upucani tri dana prije penzije.
 
Ako se pozelite izdavati za njemackog oficira, nije neophodno da znate njemacki jezik - dovoljan je njemacki naglasak.
 
Sef policije uvijek ce suspendirati svoga glavnog detektiva ili ce mu dati 48 sati da zavrsi posao.
 
Sto vise muskarac i zena mrze jedno drugo, veca je vjerovatnost da ce se zaljubiti.
 
Ventilacijski sistem bilo koje zgrade savrseno je mjesto za sakrivanje.
Nitko nikada nece ni pomisliti da vas u njemu trazi i mozete bez teskoca putovati do bilo kojeg dijela zgrade.
 
Kada se suocite sa zlim medjunarodnim teroristom, sarkazam i duhovitost su vase najbolje oruzje.
 
Kada placate taksi, ne morate pogledati u novcanik dok vadite novcanicu - samo zgrabite jednu nasumce i dajte je. Bit ce to uvijek tocan iznos cijene voznje.
 
Kada su sami, svi stranci vise vole govoriti engleski.
 
Skidanje do struka moze muskarca uciniti neranjivim za metke.
 
Ako borave u opsednutoj kuci, zene trebaju u najoskudnijem rublju istraziti svaki neobican zvuk.
 
Ako trebate ponovo napuniti oruzje, uvijek cete imati dovoljno municije - cak iako je prije toga uopće niste ni ponijeli.
 
Ako se nadjete uhvaceni u situaciju koja se moze brzo razjasniti jednostavnim objasnjenjem, za ime Boga, drzite usta zatvorena!
 
Ako vidite veliko staklo, netko ce ubrzo biti bacen kroz njega.
 
Ako vas neko lovi po gradu, mozete se skloniti u paradi Svetog Patricka, koja se održava u svako doba godine.
 
Ako odlucite plesati po ulici, svatko na koga naidjete, znat ce korake.
 
Kada je osoba onesvjestena udarcem u glavu, ona nikada nece pretrpjeti potres ili ostecenje mozga.
 
Kada se vozi auto, normalno je gledati - ne na put, vec u osobu koja sjedi pokraj vas ili na straznjem sedistu, za vrijeme cijelog putovanja.
 
Na kompjuterskom ekranu nikada se ne vidi kursor, nego samo: "Enter Password Now".
 
Prezivjet cete bilo koju bitku u bilo kojem ratu osim ako ne napravite gresku i pokazete nekome fotografiju vase voljene kod kuce.
 
Televizijske dnevne vijesti obicno sadrze pricu koja vas osobno pogađa tocno u tom trenutku.
 
Baš je lako prizemljiti avion ako postoji netko u kontrolnom tornju da vam daje uputstva.
 
Elektricna ograda dovoljno mocna da ubije dinosaura nece izazvati trajne posljedice kod osmogodisnjeg deteta.
 
Tokom svih policijskih istraga bit ce neophodno bar jednom posjetiti striptiz-klub.
 
Uvijek je moguce parkirati neposredno ispred zgrade koju posjecujete.
 
Uvijek mozete pronaci motornu pilu kada vam zatreba.
 
Vecina ljudi cuva album novinskih isjecaka, posebno ako je netko od njihove obitelji ili prijatelja poginuo u neobicnoj nesreci.
 
U Americi svaki "dejt" zavrsi "fakingom".
99% neces izgubiti parnicu ako te brane glavni likovi.
 
U Americi se nitko ne vozi podzemnom osim kad bjezi pred FBI-em ili ubojicom.
 
U Americi je do 40. godine sasvim OK zivjeti sa cimerom/cimericom.
Nijedna zena ne planira udaju pre 40-te. Nijedna zena ne planira imati djecu prije 45-te.
 
Ljudi kod kuce nikad ne idu u WC, ali dok su na poslu, pola vremena rade, pola provode u unisex WC-u.

U Americi ujutro nikome ne smrdi iz usta i svi se ljube odmah nakon buđenja.

One izuzetno važne vesti uvek se prenose na prvom kanalu.


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Lunik Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02.Mar.2016 at 00:50
Hahahahahaha, še kako res je! LOL
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Mrtupevc Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05.Apr.2016 at 22:42
Heh, zanč sm slišu enga brutalno-politično-nekorektnega pa ga bom prodal naprej:

A: "Kakšna je razlika med ovco in pedrom?"

B: "Pojma nimam."

A: "3°C."
Ole - OleOleOle;

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15.Apr.2016 at 09:00
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24.Apr.2016 at 12:59

Četiri prijateljice (dame) susrele su se na okupljanju 30 godina nakon mature. Jedna odlazi donijeti hranu, a preostale tri su počele razgovariti o tome kako su uspješni njihovi sinovi postali.
                
Broj 1, je ispričala da je njezin sin studirao ekonomiju, postao bankar i tako bogat, da  je svom najboljem prijatelju poklonio Ferrari.

Broj 2, je ispričala da  je njezin sin postao pilot, da  je otvorio svoju vlastitu zrakoplovnu kompaniju, postao toliko bogat, da  je svom najboljem prijatelju poklonio mlažnjak.
                
Broj 3, je ispričala da  je njezin sin postao inženjer, započeo svoju vlastitu razvojnu  kompaniju, da  je svom najboljem prijatelju sagradio dvorac.

Broj 4, se vratila s tanjurom punim hrane i pitala o čemu razgovaraju. Rekle su joj da su razgovarali o tome kako su uspješni njihovi sinovi postali i pitale o njezinu sinu.
                
Ona je rekla da je njezin sin gej i da radi u gay baru.  Preostale 3, su rekle da je ona vjerovatno vrlo razočarana svojim sinom jer nije postano uspješan.
                
"O neeee !!" rekla je gospođa "Njemu ide jako dobro. Prošli tjedan na njegov rođendan dobio je Ferrari, mlažnjak i dvorac od trojice njegovih momaka ".
Sve tri dame su se onesvijestile .....
                
(Ovaj vic je osvojio nagradu za najbolji vic na natjecanju održanom u Velikoj Britaniji.)

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07.May.2016 at 08:15
Anything is possible     dec d uej

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10.May.2016 at 17:12
A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well — until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?”

Man: “Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home.”

Lawyer: “No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

Man: “It’s made of concrete.”

Lawyer: “I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?”

Man: “No, we have a carport.”

Lawyer: “I mean, what are your relations like?”

Man: “All my relations are still in Poland.”

Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

Man: “We have a high-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.”

Lawyer: “Does your wife beat you up?”

Man: “No, I always wake up before her.”

Lawyer: “Sir, exactly why do you want this divorce?”

Man: “She’s going to kill me.”

Lawyer: “What makes you think that?”

Man: “I have proof.”

Lawyer: “What kind of proof?”

Man: “She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle and put it on the shelf in the bathroom. I can read it and it says … ‘Polish remover.’ ”

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19.May.2016 at 11:03
Učepio Mujo harbiju od dovratak pa trkiš do frižidera i stavi ga u čašicu hladnog jogurta, ono, da si olakša bol i da ne nateče ... U tom času ulazi Fata u prostoriju, ugleda prizor pa reče: Moj Mujo, da sam jučer umrla ne bih saznala da se na taj način puni ...

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01.Jun.2016 at 09:08

Na vratima neba stoji jedan jako ljut čovjek i urla:

- Pa što se događa? Što ja tu radim? Pogledajte me! Imam 35 godina, ne pušim, ne pijem, jučer sam rano legao u krevet i sad sam tu pred vama! Sigurno je neka greška! Molim vas da provjerite!
- Još nam se nikada nije dogodila greška! - odgovori Sveti Petar - Ali provjerit ću. Kako se zovete?
- Morić. Tomislav Morić.
- Koje vam je zanimanje?
- Automehaničar.
- Ah, da, evo, našao sam vas. Tomislav Morić, automehaničar. E, pa, gospodine Moriću, prema našim podacima vi ste umrli od starosti.
- Od starosti?
- Nemoguće! Pa imam samo 35 godina!
- Pa ne znam. - odgovori sveti Petar - Zbrojili smo sve sate rada koje ste zaračunali mušterijama i to ispada 123 godine.


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03.Jun.2016 at 15:44




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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ijus Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09.Jun.2016 at 09:21
Trije polži na tračnici.
1: pazi! [pft]
2: vlak! [pft]
3: pa res [pft]
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ijus Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17.Jun.2016 at 20:40
lesen fiš
anti mama
necro liebe
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Mrtupevc Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20.Jun.2016 at 10:50

 I  got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
 
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Sam woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely. 
 

Even wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40. 
 
"ITS  A BOY" I shouted, "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY".
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!
 
 
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper and lead. 
 
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth. 
 
A boy asks his granny,
"Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?"
Granny  replies, "F**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
 
 
Wife gets naked and asks hubby,
"What  turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
Hubby looks her up and down and replies,
"Your sense of humor!"
 
 
The wife's back on the warpath again.  She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part . 
 
 
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.  My next crap could spell disaster. 
 
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.  It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. 
 
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. 
 
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.  So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!" 
 
I woke up this morning at 8 am, and could sense something was wrong. I  got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.  Then I remembered McDonald's
serves breakfast until 11:30 am.
 
 
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel. 
 
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her,
"Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
 
 
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, 
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
 
 "Oh,"  I replied, "so now you want me to stay!" 
 
A  government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this  country so that they can see their own doctor . 
 
 
 
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

 

Ole - OleOleOle;

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Dejan Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27.Jun.2016 at 17:18
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15.Jul.2016 at 21:42







Edited by Poli - 15.Jul.2016 at 22:07
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01.Aug.2016 at 21:37
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04.Aug.2016 at 08:46
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Mrtupevc Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23.Aug.2016 at 07:59
Da žene vladaju svijetom, ne bi bilo ratova...


...samo gomila ljubomornih zemalja koje ne pričaju jedna sa drugom.

******************************************************
Doktore, hoću u penziju!

Rano je, još se čuju otkucaji srca...
******************************************************
Pas je čovekov najbolji prijatelj jer on nema da ti kaže u pola noći
"ALO SVINJO ŠTO JEDEŠ U OVO DOBA?!"
nego sedne pored i jede sa tobom.
******************************************************
Kada muškarac šuti, on je mislilac.
Kada žena šuti, e onda je mislilac najebao.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23.Aug.2016 at 11:06
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29.Aug.2016 at 19:09
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31.Aug.2016 at 09:08
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07.Sep.2016 at 19:42
Doselio se migrant u Babinu Gredu.

Izlazi na terasu da protrese tepih a susjed će:

Šta je Aladine,neće da upali?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08.Sep.2016 at 12:04
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Lunik Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08.Sep.2016 at 19:24
Big smile
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13.Sep.2016 at 09:56
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27.Sep.2016 at 12:25
Ta mlada 

Mlada ženska se primoži v revno družino.
Ugotovi, da je hiša umazana, pa nikjer nobene krpe za čiščenje.
Odreže rokave moževi srajci in počisti stanovanje.
Naslednji dan sklene, da bo prebelila stene, pa tudi čopiča nimajo.
Moževemu očetu Jožetu odreže brado in z njo nanaša barvo.
Naslednji dan pride na obisk sosed in vidi Jožeta na drevesu.
Vpraša ga, če se mu je zmešalo, da pri takem mrazu čepi zunaj na drevesu.
Pa pravi Jože: “Danes bo naša ta mlada palačinke pekla, pa ne vem, če
imamo jajca pri hiši!”

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Dejan Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29.Sep.2016 at 17:29
Mladi par se je odločil za otroka. Poskušala sta mesec ali dva, poskušala leto ... ne deluje. Odločila sta se, da gresta k zdravniku, da ugotovita kje je težava.
- Doktor, tako in tako, že dolgo časa poskušava imeti otroka, pa ne moreva. Že več kot leto poskušava, kaj naj narediva?
Zdravnik ju je pogledal in rekel:
- Fanta, vidva to resno, ali kaj?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Dejan Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29.Sep.2016 at 20:16
Blondinka pride v trgovino: "A imate kroglice proti moljem?"
"Imamo."
"Petdeset kil, prosim."
"Kaj pa boste s petdesetimi kilami kroglic proti moljem?"
"Slabo ciljam."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10.Oct.2016 at 11:08
A: Žena mi je predlagala, da se igrava zdravnico in pacienta.
B: In?
A: Ja nič, pred spalnico sem moral čakati dve uri in pol, pred tem pa sem se moral naročiti pol leta prej.

Pa sem se potem prijavil kot samoplačnik - sem bil na vrsti takoj, ko sem plačal ....

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16.Oct.2016 at 15:52
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24.Oct.2016 at 17:23





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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Dejan Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27.Oct.2016 at 18:16
Starejša ženička je prišla k zdravniku. Ta ji je predpisal svečke za analno uporabo.
Ženska ni imela pojma, kaj pomeni analno, vprašati se pa tudi ni upala.
Ko je prišla domov, je vprašala moža, kaj pomeni analno, ampak tudi on ni vedel, zato ji je predlagal, naj pač pokliče zdravnika in ga vpraša. Rečeno, storjeno:
"Halo gospod doktor, oprostite, ampak jaz ne vem, kaj je to analno?"
- "Ja rektalno, ji odgovori zdravnik."
"Aha... hvala."
"Kaj je rekel?" je zanimalo moža, ko je odložila.
"Rekel je rektalno, ampak tudi to ne vem, kaj pomeni..."
- "Ja baba, pokliči ga še enkrat in mu povej, da ne razumeš teh tujk!" In res:
"Halo, oprostite gospod doktor, ampak jaz ne razumem teh vaših tujk, povejte mi prosim po domače, kaj naj naredim s svečkami?"
- "V rit si jih vtaknite."
Ženska pa vsa zgrožena odloži in reče možu:
"Na... zdej je pa jezen..."




Štirje katoliki pijejo kavo v rimu na trgu Sv. Petra.
Pravi prvi:
- Imam sina, ki je duhovnik, ko vstopi mu vsi pravijo "OČE"
Pravi drugi:
- Imam sina, ki je škof, ko vstopi mu vsi pravijo "VAŠA MILOST"
Pravi tretji:
- Imam sina, ki je kardinal, ko vstopi mu vsi pravijo "VZORNIK"
Pravi četrti:
- Imam sina, ki je papež, ko vstopi mu vsi pravijo "VAŠA SVETOST"

Pa se oglasi ateistka, ki je v tišini pila kavo in vse to poslušala:
Imam hčerko, visoko blondinko. Njene mere so 66-126-66.
Ko vstopi vsi rečejo "JEZUS KRISTUS!"

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02.Nov.2016 at 09:08
Žali se jednog dana mlada žena popu: - Oče, imam jedan problem.

Nedavno sam u nasledstvo dobila dva ženska papagaja, i oba znaju da kažu samo jednu stvar.

- Šta umeju da kažu – upita pop.

- Umeju da kažu samo: “Zdravo, mi smo prostitutke, da li ste za neki provod“???

- Nečuveno!!! Sad vidim zašto ste tako zabrinuti – odgovori pop.
Posle minut razmišljanja nastavi – ali mislim da imam rešenje za vaš problem. Znate, ja već duže vreme imam dva muška papagaja Žiku i Miku – ali za razliku od vaših ovi su sasvim dobro vaspitani. Čak sam ih toliko dobro istrenirao, da skoro ceo dan čitaju bibliju i mole se bogu. Pa ako želite, možete doneti vaša dva papagaju kod mene, stavićemo ih zajedno u kavez i mislim da će posle kratkog vremena i vaši papagaji postati pristojni i smerni.

- Odlično – reče oduševljeno mlada žena – tako ćemo i uraditi i garantovano rešiti problem.

Dolazi sutra ona kod popa i on joj pokazuje svoje papagaje koji klečeći čitaju bibliju i mole se bogu, i dade joj znak da ubaci papagaje u isti kavez sa njima. Posle nekoliko sekundi u isti glas počeše dva ženska papagaja:

- Zdravo, mi smo prostitutke, da li steza neki provod???

Nekoliko sekundi tišine, kad napokon progovara jedan od muških papagaja:

- Žile, skloni te biblije, molitve su nam uslišene!!!

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09.Nov.2016 at 14:09
Bio jednom jedan ateist koji je jedne nedjelje otišao u lov na medvjede.
Ide on tako, dođe u šumu, šeće se polako, kad odjednom iza drva medvjed u zasjedi. Opali njega medvjed, puška mu odleti na drvo, a on pade na kamen i slomi nogu. Vidjevši da mu se medvjed približava ateist zavapi "Bože pomozi!"
Kad ono zagrmi, rastvore se nebesa i Bog progovori.
"Cijeli život si me negirao, u nedelju ideš radije u lov nego na misu, a sad kad je stani pani onda me moliš za pomoć"
"OK, OK u pravu si. Nema smisla da sad meni okorjelom ateistu pomažeš, ali onda bar učini od ovog medvjeda dobrog katolika."
"Ajd uslišit ću ti ovu želju da ne kažeš poslije da imam pik na vas ateiste te da vam dokažem da i vas ateiste volim."
Onda medvjed, došavši ateisti sasvim blizu, klekne na koljena, sklopi ruke, prekriži se i kaže: «Bože, blagoslovi nas i ovo jelo koje ćemo po tvojoj dobroti blagovati. Po Kristu Gospodinu našemu, Amen!»

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11.Nov.2016 at 21:22
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13.Nov.2016 at 10:36
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Mitja M.J. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13.Nov.2016 at 18:13
MacGyver je zakon!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14.Nov.2016 at 14:40
Gresta Trump in Hillary v pekarno. Takoj, ko vstopita, Hillary ukrade 3 rogljičke in jih skrije v žep. In pravi Donaldu: "Si videl, kako sem prebrisana? Lastnik ni niti opazil, še lagati mi ni treba. Zagotovo bom zmagala na volitvah!"
Pa pravi Donald: "To je tipična neiskrenost, ki jo kažeš že vse svoje življenje. Tvoja lukavost in prevare! Pokazal ti bom iskren način, da dosežeš isti rezultat."
Stopi Donald k lastniku: "Če mi daste en rogljiček, vam pokažem magičen trik." Lastnik je zainteresiran in mu res da rogljiček. Donald ga takoj poje in vpraša za še enega. Lastnik mu ga da in tudi tega takoj poje. Nato vpraša za tretji rogljiček, ki ga tudi takoj poje.
Lastnika bi zdaj rad vedel, kje je magičen trik. "Kaj si naredil z rogljički?" ga vpraša. Donald mu odvrne: "Poglejte v Hillaryjin žep!"

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14.Nov.2016 at 14:41


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15.Nov.2016 at 09:22
Dolazila 3 gluhonijema čovjeka u jednu kafanu i gazda je već znao kako što naručuju.
Doveo novog konobara i rekao mu:
– Kad mahnu raširenom šakom ka ustima hoće da jedu, kad nagnu palac ka ustima hoće da piju.
I tako je bilo, mahnu šakom, konobar im donese da jedu, nagnu palac, donese im da piju, kad u jednom momentu nagnuli glave i otvorili usta. 
Konobar gleda što sad hoće, najeli se, napili se, nema pojma što hoće. Nazove on gazdu i kaže mu da ne zna što da radi, da ne zna što hoće, da su nagnuli glavu i otvorili usta. Tad mu gazda kaže:
– Ma pusti ih,  pjevaju.






Negdje u Ukrajini u jednu kafanu ulazi crnac iz Amerike 200 cm visok, sjeda za šank i naručuje viski.
Odmah za njim u kafanu ulazi Ukrajinac, 210 cm visok, sjeda za šank i naručuje votku.
Gleda crnac njega i da se napravi važan uzme onaj viski i popije ga na eks.
Ukrajinac da pokaže da i on može to uzima svoju votku i isto je eksira.
Kada je to crnac vidio zatraži od šankera bocu viskija i čitavu je popije na eks.
Ukrajinac zatraži bocu votke i isto je popije na eks.
Crnac tada, da pokaže kako je jak, uzme onu svoju bocu viskija i razbije je sebi o glavu.
Ukrajinac uze bocu votke i također je razbije sebi o glavu.
Crnac se tada iznervirao jer nije znao kako da pokaže da je bolji od Ukrajinca. U jednom trenutku on se ipak dosjeti kako će ga prejebati. Ustane sa svoga mjesta, priđe Ukrajincu, skine gaće, izvadi kitu od 25 cm i reče: ovo je Bill.
Ukrajinac se samo nasmije, ustane sa mjesta, skine gaće, izvadi dvije kite od po 30 cm i reče: a ovo je Černobil.




Ulazi Cigo u kafanu sav sretan:
- Konobaruu! Tura pića za cijelu kafanu…
Konobar ga pita:
– Što to slaviš Cigo?
Cigo:
– Oženio mi se najstariji sin, doveo plavušu, znaš kakva je, sise, dupe, sve dobro… Jeb’o je ja, najstariji sin, srednji sin, a znaš onog malog Škeljćima? Jeb’o i on.
Mjesec dana kasnije opet dolazi Cigo:
- Konobaru tura pića za cijelu kafanu…
Konobar opet upita:
- Što sada slaviš Cigo?
Cigo:
– Oženio mi se srednji sin, doveo crnku, znaš kakva je… ono… bomba, jeb’o ja, najstariji sin, srednji, a znaš onog malog Škeljćima? Jeb’o i on.
Mjesec kasnije dolazi Cigo sav sjeban u kafanu, sjeda za šank i kaže:
– Konobaru daj duplu votku samo za mene.
Konobar:
- Što je bilo Cigo?
Cigo:
– Udala mi se najstarija kćerka, dovela crnca! Jeb’o mene, najstarijeg sina, srednjeg, a znaš onog malog Škeljćima? Umroo!

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26.Nov.2016 at 14:35
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02.Dec.2016 at 10:44
Ko mi ludi rečejo, da sn se spremeno, bi jim najrejši dal roko in rekel: "Tude ti bi se lehko!" 

Kej mata skupnega WC pa pokopališče? Ko moreš iti - moreš iti. 

Kda me kdo doma svadi, te gren stalno v špejzo, pa še boj zategnen glaže od murk, pa paprike ... tak, ze pa si jih odpirejte! 

Nikol nemo zastopa smisla spovedi. Zakaj bi hoda v neki mali stišjeni plac, pa šimfa samega sebe, če me že drügi zadoste. 

Če se oženiš pri 20-ih, je isto kak či greš domu z diskota ob 21:15 

Proba sen kühati z vinom... po 3 kupicah sem pozaba zake sen v kühji.. 

Več cejta zdržin pod vodo kak doma. 

Kak pravijo moškemi brez kondoma? Ata. 

Snoči sen spija teko vodke, da sen se gnes zbüda z ruskin naglason 

Nikol mi nede jasno ... celo noč piješ, vjutro pa si žejen kak zmej! 

Teko stanj si je napisala o svojen bivšen pubeci, da sen ga že jas začeja pogrešate. 

Kda sen bija mali, mi je blo vseeno kak sta me mama pa ata oblekla, ze pa gledan stare slike, pa vidin ke je jima tüde blo.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06.Dec.2016 at 12:49

Kako se v angleščini reče "V sili še hudič muhe žre.":

Yesterday I had sex with my wife.


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20.Dec.2016 at 09:33

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET   PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining  to my husband, Joe that my breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, Joe uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece  of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'  

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
  '
How long will this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband, Joe replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat Joe says, "Worked for your 'ass', didn't it?"

Joe's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man..


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17.Jan.2017 at 13:29
Policisti so prijeli krivolovca, pri katerem so našli sovje perje, in ga ovadili. Sodnik je vprašal obtoženca: 
»Zakaj ste ustrelili tako redko in zaščiteno žival?« 
»Veste, imam šest otrok in ostal sem brez službe. Nismo imeli kaj jesti, pa sem ustrelil ptico, ki jo je potem žena pripravila in postregla otrokom,« je pojasnil obtoženi. 
Sodniku se je zasmilil, zato ga je kaznoval le z mesecem dni zapora, pogojno na eno leto. Ko je krivolovec zapuščal sodišče, ga je sodnik dohitel in ga vprašal: 
»Kakšen okus pa je imela sova?« 
»Natanko takega kot planinski orel.«



Ravnokar srečno poročen Trboveljski par.
Mož, če ravno zelo zaljubljen, ni mogel dočakati, kdaj bo šel ven in se ga spet nažgal s prijatelji.
In je rekel ženi: “Draga, pridem takoj.”
“Kam greš ljubi?”, je vprašala žena.
“Grem v bife, ljubica. Na pivo.”
Žena je rekla: “Ali želiš pivo, ljubezen moja?”
Odprla je hladilnik in mu pokazala 20 različnih vrst piva: iz desetih
različnih držav.
Mož ni vedel, kaj narediti in edino, kar mu je padlo na pamet je bilo:
“Ma ja, ljubica moja. Toda .. v bifeju, veš … imajo ledene
kozarce.”
Takoj, še dokončal ni, ga je žena že prekinila z besedami:
“Ali želiš ledeni kozarec, moj najdražji?”
Vzela je veliko kriglo iz skrinje, tako ledeno, da so ji dlake stopile pokonci, ko jo je prijela.
Mož, že malo bled, reče: “Toda ljubica, v bifeju imajo tudi tiste zares dobre gricke, pa saj ne bom dolgo. Vrnem se takoj. Obljubim. Okej?”
“A bi rad gricke, mucek moj?” In odprla je omarico ter na mizo pričela zlagati čips, arašide, smokije, kokice, …
Mož, že totalno bled, reče: “Draga, toda v bifeju imajo TV in lahko gledamo nogomet.”
Ni še do konca povedal, ko je žena pokazala na 130 cm LCD zaslon v dnevni sobi z odličnim stereo zvočnim sistemom.
“Toda, ljubica moja … veš, v bifeju kolnejo in govorijo grdobije.”
“A REEES torej bi rad slišal grdobije? 
LEGA! Pužri zdej ta pofukan pjr, s tega kurčuga krigla, db s ti ja n gobc prlimu, pa hitr žri zram bure (arašide), kr č boš š eno pisnu tim plazmo n buč RZBILA!!! Zdej si užejen in n greš nkamr, ti j jasn mat kurba!?!”


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ijus Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18.Jan.2017 at 20:42
dej jutr v trgovini ko boste šli kupvat grocerijo vprašte prodajalko jesi li ti izumila šečera?
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