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Stne View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Stne Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25.May.2010 at 09:27
Originally posted by sekky sekky wrote:

Veš da je Chuck Norris enkrat dvakrat pršu LOL




ha
You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I AM GOD!
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Stne View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Stne Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25.May.2010 at 09:29
Originally posted by Vragg Vragg wrote:



------------
Greta mat in sinko mimo trgovine z živalmi...
Sinček: "Mama, jazst bi pa želvo."
Mater: "Mir daj mulc, sej maš že raka!"

Črn humor je najbol imo :D




You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I AM GOD!
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Stne View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Stne Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25.May.2010 at 09:31
iz črnega humorja!!!

Se ponoči sprehaja moški ob pokopališču. Potem pa zagleda, kako nekdo za zidom pokopališča seksa. Pride zraven in potoži, da že dolgo ni seksal in prosi možakarja če mu prepusti partnerko za kakšno minutko. Možakar se obrne in odvrne:
"Tam imaš lopato, pa si jo izkoplji!"




Kaj bi v tem trenutku počela Diana, če bi bila še živa?
Obupano bi praskala po pokrovu krste!



Model in njegova punca sta bila skupaj v postelji, ko se punca nenadoma obrnek njemu in ga vpraša: "A si ti pedofil?""Preklet hudič!" reče on karajoče. "To je grda grda beseda od osemletne punčke!"


Edited by Stne - 25.May.2010 at 09:56
You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I AM GOD!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Obleey Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25.May.2010 at 10:20

My Friend, watch out for traitors

www.god-scard.com
www.facebook/GodScard
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Gigo View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Gigo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25.May.2010 at 10:51


LOLLOLLOLLOL
LOLLOLLOL
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MajTits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25.May.2010 at 11:52
haha, jaooo Big%20smile
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Lunik Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25.May.2010 at 12:12
Lal Big%20smileBig%20smileBig%20smile
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote jerrej Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25.May.2010 at 20:02
teli stripi so adijopamet :)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote jerrej Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25.May.2010 at 20:26
 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Čak Boris Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30.May.2010 at 21:04
Tip in bejba v postelji:

Tip: "Nujno ti morm nekaj povedat."

Bejba: "Kaj pa je?"

Tip: "Nekaj časa se ne bova vidla."

Bejba: "A res, kako to?"

Tip: "Ker te bom zdej od odzadej!"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Stne Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03.Jun.2010 at 17:44
http://freeweb.siol.net/sg269111/podzavest.htm


probajte.......
You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I AM GOD!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Mitja M.J. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03.Jun.2010 at 17:51

Sovražim ljudi, ki jemljejo drogo. Posebej carinike.

     

"Česa bi se lažje odrekel, žensk ali vina?"

"Odvisno od letnika..."

 

Kakšen je slogan Društva nekrofilov?

Ne jebemo žive sile.

 

      Vse gobe so užitne. Večina celo večkrat.

 

      Kateri so položaji stikala na vibratorju?

      'Fuck on' in 'Fuck off'.

 

      Kaj je vrhunec samoljubja?

      Če med orgazmom kličeš svoje ime.

 

      Kako veš, da si fasal virus ptičje gripe?

      Ko začutiš neznosno željo, da bi se nekomu posral na vetrobransko

     šipo.

 

      

      Ljubezen je kot šah - vedno te zajebe neki konj, medtem ko osvajaš

     kralja.

MacGyver je zakon!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Stne Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05.Jun.2010 at 09:08
Originally posted by Mitja M.J. Mitja M.J. wrote:


 


      Kako veš, da si fasal virus ptičje gripe?


      Ko začutiš neznosno željo, da bi se nekomu posral na vetrobransko


     šipo.


 


      


       





You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I AM GOD!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05.Jun.2010 at 18:52
"I am" is one of the shortest sentences in the english language. "I do" is the longest.
 
 
Virginity is like a bubble: one prick and it's gone.

 
A man was sitting on a park bench, reading a newspaper. Suddenly, he threw the paper to the ground and yelled, "All politicians are assholes."
The man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit said, "I take offense to that!"
"Why?", the first man asked. "Are you a politician?"
"No," the second man answered, "I'm an asshole."
 
 
Nazove jedan čovjek doktora telefonom i reče mu:
- Doktore, moja je žena progutala miša, što da radim?
- Dođite ovamo u moju ambulantu, a cijelim putem neka vaša žena drži otvorena usta i iznad njih komadić sira!
Dođe čovjek sa ženom kod doktora, ali je iznad njenih usta držao srdelu.
- Čini mi se da me niste dobro razumijeli - reče doktor - rekao sam sir, a ne srdelu!
- Razumio sam vas doktore - reče čovjek - ali sad moramo izvući i mačku!
 

- Doktore - kaže Mujo doktoru - svaki put kad se ja poševim s Fatom, ona zatrudni. Što da radim?
- Moj Mujo - reče doktor - jel koristiš možda pri seksu kondom?
- Da - reče Mujo.
- A kako ga koristiš - pita doktor.
- Fino, popijem ga s vodom - reče Mujo.
- E krivo, Mujo - reče doktor - kondom se ne pije!
- E znaš doktore - reče Mujo na to - već sam se ja počeo pribojavati što mi govna izlaze upakirana.
 
 
Na padobranskom tečaju instruktor uči Muju i Hasu kako se otvara padobran.
- Kad navučete padobransku opremu i skočite, sa lijeve stane imate polugu koja bi trebala otvoriti padobran kada ju pritisnete. U slučaju da se to ne dogodi, pritisnite polugu sa desne strane koja služi za otvaranje pomoćnog padobrana. Ako se ni on ne otvori, pritisnite polugu za orvaranje pomoćnog padobrana. Ona će sigurno otvoriti padobran. Prije nego se prizemljite, već će vas čekati džip koji će vas odvesti u bazu.
Skoče tako njih dvojica, otvore lijevu polugu - ništa! Otvore oni zatim desnu polugu, kad tamo - opet ništa! Pritisnu oni zatim pomoćnu polugu - i opet ništa! Reče Mujo:
- E moj Haso, sve je naopako. Vidjet ćeš da nas ni džip neće čekati!
 
 
Sretnu se jednog dana medo i zeko.
- Kako si zeko? - pita medo.
- Loše, najradije bi nekoga istukao - kaže zec.
- I ja isto. Koga ćemo istući? - pita medo.
- Vuka - predloži zec.
- A što ćemo reći, zbog čega ga tučemo?
- Pitat ćemo ga ima li kapu - reče zec - i kad kaže da nema, razbit ćemo ga.
- Dođoše zeko i medo do vuka i pitaju ga:
- hej vuče, imaš li ti kapu?
- Nemam - reče vuk, a medo i zeko navališe na njega i krvavo ga istukoše.
Dan kasnije se obojica opet sretnu, mamurni i živčani.
- Koga ćemo danas istući - pita zec.
- Vuka - predloži medo.
- Pa vuka smo jučer - kaže zec.
- A koga drugog imamo - opravdava se medo.
- A što ćemo ga danas pitati - kaže zec.
- Danas ćemo ga pitati ima li cigarete, pa kad kaže da ih nema, razbit ćemo ga - reče medo.
Vuk je, međutim, bio skriven u obližnjem grmlju i čuo je njihove planove, pa je otišao u grad kupiti nekoliko vrsta cigareta. Čim se vratio u šumu pristupiše mu medo i zec.
- Vuče, imaš li cigarete - pita ga medo.
- Imam - spremno odgovori vuk - kakve želite? S filterom, bez filtera, francuske, kubanske...Samo recite...
I zec i medo pogledaše se u nedoumici. Zec se prvi snašao i pita:
- Hej vuče, a imaš li ti kapu?
Anything is possible     dec d uej

Be The Change You Want To See
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote jajčk Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05.Jun.2010 at 19:33
Slepec pomotoma vstopi v bar za lezbijke, si najde prost stol za šankom in naroči pijačo. Čez nekaj časa se zadere k barmanu: "Ej, bi želel slišati dober vic o blondinkah?" V lokalu nastane smrtna tišina. Z nizkim hripavim in grozečim glasom se oglasi ženska, ki je sedela pri šanku poleg njega: "Preden začnes z vicom, mislim, da bi moral nekaj vedeti! Točajka je blond, jaz sem visoka meter devetdeset, imam črni pas v karateju, in sem blond, ženska poleg mene je dvigalka uteži in je blondinka, ženska na drugi strani poleg tebe je profi rokoborka in je blond, ven baciteljka je prav tako blond! Zato frajer dobro premisli? Si še vedno želiš povedati tisti vic?" Slepec malo pomisli in odkima: "Ma ne, ne da se mi ga petkrat razlagat."
Bolje ispasti glup, nego iz avijona ^^
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MajTits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07.Jun.2010 at 15:04
Kakšna je razlika med katoliškim duhovnikom in aknami?

Akne se spravijo na otroke po 12. letu.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote blackoutt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07.Jun.2010 at 18:49
Originally posted by MajTits MajTits wrote:

Kakšna je razlika med katoliškim duhovnikom in aknami?

Akne se spravijo na otroke po 12. letu.

LOLLEPA!!!!
Thumbs%20Up


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Beno Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08.Jun.2010 at 22:49
Za koga bo Požigalec naviju na SP?
Za Švico FuŁ
...iiiiin gremo!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote grafin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11.Jun.2010 at 16:48
V zaporu sta bila narkoman in gobavec.

 Narkoman sedi in kadi travo, gobavec pa se, ves nervozen, praska.
 Od silnega praskanja mu odpade roka in jo vrže skozi okno.
 Mine nekaj časa, gobavca zasrbi druga roka in se prične drgniti ob zid.
 
Odpade mu tudi druga roka, pa jo zagrabi z zobmi in vrže skozi okno.
 
Narkoman opazuje dogajanje, mota joint in flegmatično spremlja dogajanje.
Gobavca prične srbeti noga, se prične drgniti ob zid in mu noga odpade. Zagrabi jo z zobmi, se nekako privleče do okenca in jo vrže skozi rešetke.

Narkoman, že ves nakajen, reče:
- "O, jebemti, še malo pa boš zunaj" !!!
se oprasicujem za oftopik :>
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Mitja M.J. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11.Jun.2010 at 22:13

Janezek vpraša svojo učiteljico, če lahko govori z njo po šolski uri. Ona se
strinja.


Učiteljica: In, Janezek, kaj mi želiš povedati?

Janezek: Mislim, da sem preveč pameten, da bi ostal v tem razredu, ker se
dolgočasim. Želim, da me daste direktno v gimnazijo.

Učiteljica obvesti o tem ravnatelja, ki vpraša Janezka, če lahko naredi
test.Janezek se strinja brez oklevanja in ravnatelj začne s vprašanji:

Ravnatelj: No, Janezek, da vidimo... 13x4?
Janezek: 52!

Ravnatelj: In kvadratni koren iz 9 ?
Janezek: 3, gospod ravnatelj.

Ravnatelj: Glavno mesto Japonske?
Janezek: Tokio.

Test traja še pol ure, Janezek pa ne naredi nobene napake. Na koncu je
ravnatelj zadovoljen z rezultatom, učiteljica pa vpraša, ali mu lahko zdaj ona postavi
nekaj vprašanj. Oba se strinjata in učiteljica začne spraševati:

Učiteljica: Dobro, Janezek. Krava ima 4, jaz pa 2. Kaj je to?
Janezek: Noge, gospa učiteljica.

Učiteljica: Točno. Kaj lahko najdemo v tvojih hlačah, v mojih pa ne?

Ravnatelj je presenečen nad vprašanjem...
Janezek: Žepe!

Učiteljica: Dobro, Janezek. Kje so ženske najbolj kodraste ?

Ravnatelj se pripravlja, da poseže z besedo med njiju,
a Janezek odgovori:V Afriki

Učiteljica: Kaj je mehko a na rokah ženske postane trdo?

Ravnatelj zavije z očmi, a Janezek spet odgovarja.
Janezek: Lak za nohte.

Učiteljica: Kaj imajo moški in ženske na sredini nog?
Janezek: Kolena!

Učiteljica: V redu. Kaj ima poročena ženska širše kot neporočena?

Ravnatelj ne more verjeti svojim ušesom.
Janezek: Posteljo, gospa učiteljica.

Učiteljica: Kateri del mojega telesa je največkrat vlažen?
Janezek: Vaš jezik!

Učiteljica: Katera beseda se začne s črko ''p'' in označuje nekaj, kar se pod moško roko orosi, moški pa hoče še.
Janezek: Pivo

Ravnatelj je brez sape, ves moker od znoja, odloči se, da bo prekinil test
in vzklikne: "Ne bom te poslal v gimnazijo ampak direktno na fakulteto! Zame bi bila
vprašanja pretežka!"

 

Nauk: Perverznost se pojavi z leti!

MacGyver je zakon!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote blackoutt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16.Jun.2010 at 09:09
V šoli pravi učiteljica učencem: Da boste lepo pridni danes in da boste sodelovali pridno! Danes pridejo Kitajci pogledat našo šolo.
Torej, sprašujte jih kar hočete. Ampak Janezek, da mi ti nič ne rečeš!
Pa pridejo Kitajci in se v razredu lepo pogovarjajo z učenci, nakar Janezek dvigne roko in reče: Gospod! Kaj pomeni vaše ime Hoang Ho?
To pomeni Sin sedmih očetov.
No ja, se mi je zdelo da od dveh jajc ne morate biti tako rumeni, odgovori Janezek.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote brutalc Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22.Jun.2010 at 11:21
Upam, da ni že bil...

The Sherriff and the Farmer

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the
local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally
destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered
a farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no
remains of anyone, including the President.

They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing
at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the
sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident
happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off his motor.
"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United
States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out"
the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself over yonder. Took me
most of the morning."
"President Bush is dead?" the sheriff shouted.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Beastboy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23.Jun.2010 at 07:45
Cry
Originally posted by brutalc brutalc wrote:

Upam, da ni že bil...

The Sherriff and the Farmer

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the
local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally
destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered
a farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no
remains of anyone, including the President.

They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing
at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the
sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident
happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off his motor.
"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United
States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out"
the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself over yonder. Took me
most of the morning."
"President Bush is dead?" the sheriff shouted.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."


SmileClap
Clap
A jebeš vse skp!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Čak Boris Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23.Jun.2010 at 13:04
Klavstrofobíja -e ž (i) psiht. bolezenski strah pred zaprtim prostorom

Ko grem v oštarijo me je vedno strah, da bo zaprta.




http://www.myspace.com/leathernart



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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23.Jun.2010 at 16:54

Anything is possible     dec d uej

Be The Change You Want To See
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24.Jun.2010 at 22:28
Original ad:
LARGE CRIB WANTED
I need a large(tall) crib for my 9 month old. The crib I have right now is too small - he keeps climbing out! I need a crib that is too high for my baby to get out of it. Please respond with pictures. Contact Julia @ ********@verizon.net

From Me to ********@verizon.net:

Hey Julia,

I may have the perfect crib for you. It is a very large crib that has some features to prevent your baby from escaping. Please let me know if you are interested.

Thanks,

Mike

From Julia ******** to Me:

How big is it? Do you have any pictures of it?

From Me to Julia ********:

Julia,

It is very large. As I said, it has modifications to prevent escape. The entire top perimeter of the crib has been reinforced with a metal frame that is connected to a car battery. When someone tries to escape the crib, they will be given a gentile electric shock, which will discourage them from attempting to climb out of the crib again. The price includes a 12 volt car battery, but a higher-voltage battery can always be purchased, depending on how fat your child is. Here is a picture of the setup:



I am currently using the crib for one of my friends who happens to be a midget. He tends to frequently get drunk and violent, so we put him in this crib when he starts getting belligerent. The battery works great for keeping him in, so I am assuming it will work great for your child. The only reason I am getting rid of it is because the midget was recently arrested for arson, so he won't be around for a while.

I have something else that you may be interested in as well. Are you tired of waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of your baby crying? With this clever device, you won't even have to get out of bed to calm your baby.



It is a little mobile that I invented called "The Lullibinator." Simply hang it above the crib, and the microphone will detect when the baby is crying. If the crying reaches a certain decibel level, the box will spray a calming mist of pepper spray into the crib. It trains your baby not to cry in no time! It worked great on the midget when he started yelling. It comes with 2% CS pepper spray, which is practically harmless. It can be upgraded to bear mace if your child continues to cry. I have decorated the Lullibinator with friendly smiley faces to comfort your baby.

I am asking $50 for the Lullibinator, and $250 for the crib/battery combo. Let me know if you want to set up a time to stop by and check this stuff out.

Thanks,

Mike

From Julia ******** to Me:

Oh my god

From Julia ******** to Me:

Please tell me you're kidding. You're kidding, right?

From Me to Julia ********:

Julia,

Why would I be kidding? I thought $250 was more than reasonable. I got a lot of use out of these things before social services took my kid away. I still do whenever the midget comes over.

Mike

From Julia ******** to Me:

I...don't know what to say to you. You are a disgusting excuse for a human being. How dare you ever think that I would use this for my child. Don't you ever e-mail me again, you scumbag.

From Me to Julia ********:

Julia,

I've been called some harsh things for my haggling tactics, but you seem to have been very offended by the price I have offered. I am sorry; I had no intention of offending you. I will drop the total price to $200 for everything, and I'll even throw this in for free:



Now you won't have to get up to give your baby a bottle when he is thirsty. This handy crib-bottle will allow your baby to quench his thirst any time he wants. It doesn't have to necessarily be filled with tequila (like I said, this crib was set up for a midget). It can easily be filled with Gatorade, breast milk, or whatever else your baby prefers. Throw in a can of food and the baby can practically live on his own!

Please let me know when you are going to pick this stuff up. I am going to Atlantic City for the weekend, so I need you to get it before I leave.

Thanks,

Mike

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. . .
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Sinko ponoči vstane, ker ga je iz postelje nagnala žeja. Pride v spalnico staršev in najde očeta in mamico pri "igricah".

 

"Oj oči oči, tudi jaz bi se igral konjička " zavrešči malček in že je na očkovem hrbtu.

"Hi konjiček... gremo v mesto..."poskakuje pobalin na očkovem hrbtu.

Očka se počuti nekoliko nelagodno vendar sprejme igrico, saj očitno sinek ni opazil pravega bistva, zato vseeno nadaljuje z ljubljenjem...khmmmm z ježo v mesto...

 

Čez čas, ko začne mamica pospešeno dihati, stokati, grleno vzdihovati in zavijati z oči zakliče sinek:" Drži se oči, tukaj je najbolj nevarno mesto, tukaj vedno oba s poštarjem padeva dol..."

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29.Jun.2010 at 09:09
Gleda fata kroz prozor na ulicu, a onda naiđe Haso. Kaže mu Fata:
- Sama sam, Mujo je otputovo na pet dana u Mostar.
- Mogu li gore - pita Haso.
- Pa nisam ti ja kurva - odgovori Fata.
- Ih, ko da bi ti ja platio!
 

Usele se Mujo i Fata u novi stan. Ulaze prvi puta i Mujo, ne shvativši da je nasuprot vrata ogledalo, uplaši se i viknu:
- Fato, netko je u našem stanu.
Dođe Fata do Muje da i ona pogleda, pa uzviknu:
- Eno su dvoje. Ajmo po policiju!
Malo kasnije dolazi policajac, i čim je otvorio vrata reče:
- Čemu panika, rajo? Pa kolega već obavlja očevid.


Istrčala Fata na dvorište sa malim Mujicom na rukama, ali ga ne privija uz sebe nego je ispružila ruke, a dijete leži na rukama kao na dvije prečke. Gotovo je u vodoravnom položaju. Viče Fata:
- Bolan Mujo, dođi brzo ovamo! Mali je proguto metak.
Istrči Mujo iz drvarnice pred Fatu, ugleda Mujicu na njenim rukama i panično uzviknu:
- Ne okreći ga prema meni!

 
 
Doselio se Mujo u novi stan. Uđe u jednu prostoriju i prdne od sreće, uđe i u drugu i prdne od sreće. Ubrzo nakon toga pozvoni mu netko na vrata.
- Tko je - vikne Mujo.
- Ja, Haso, došao sam vidjeti stan.
Uzme Mujo zatim bocu vina i poprska cijeli njen sadržaj po zidovima dnevnog boravka, a nakon toga Hasi otvori vrata.
- Gleda Haso dnevnu sobu, pa reče:
- Mujo, lijep ti je stan. Al smrdi ko da se netko posro u borovoj šumi!

Dolazi Mujo pijan kući, a Fata, ljuta što on dolazi svaku večer tako kasno i pijan kući, uzme bijeli ogrtač i stane u najmračniji dio sobe prije nego je Mujo ušao u stan.
Uđe Mujo u dnevnu sobu, a Fata reče hladnim glasom:
- Ja sam sotona, došao sam po tebe da odeš sa mnom u pakao jer se stalno vraćaš kasno i pijan kući!
- Čekaj malo, sotono - odgovori Mujo - pa mi smo rodbina. Zar ne znaš da sam oženjen tvojom sestrom?
 
 
 
Jedan par dođe kod psihijatra.

Psihijatar ih upita: KAKO VAM MOGU POMOĆI?

Muškarac odgovara: MOŽETE LI DA NAS GLEDATE DOK VODIMO LJUBAV?

Psihijatar je iznenađen, ali ipak pristane.

Nakon što je par završio psihijatar kaže: ALI SEKS VAM JE SUPER!!

Naplati im 80 eura i oni odu, ali vratili su se ponovno i nastavljalo se to iz
sedmice u sedmicu: dvaput nedeljno su dolazili kod psihijatra, vodili ljubav,
plaćali 80 eura i otišli.

Nakon nekog vremena psihijatar ih upita:

OPROSTITE, ALI ŠTA VI ZAPRAVO POKUŠAVATE DA RIJEŠTE U VAŠEM ODNOSU???

NIŠTA!!! - odgovara muškarac,
ALI ONA JE UDATA I NE MOŽEMO KOD NJE,
JA SAM OŽENJEN I NE MOŽEMO KOD MENE.
U HOTELU HOLLYDAY INN SOBA KOŠTA 200 EURA,
U HILTONU 360 EURA.
KAD DOĐEMO KOD VAS IMAMO:

1) DOBAR ALIBI

2) KOŠTA 80 EURA

3) ZDRAVSTVENO OSIGURANJE NAM VRAĆA 67,50 EURA


EKONOMISTA
 
 
 
 
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Pa še en stari Big%20smile
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Stne Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29.Jun.2010 at 10:00
Originally posted by jerrej jerrej wrote:

<TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=1 cellPadding=3 width="100%">
<T>
<TR>
<TD>solzice</TD>
<TD vAlign=top align=right> </TD></TR>
<TR>
<TD colSpan=2></TD></TR>
<TR>
<TD colSpan=2>Pritece Prezihov Voranc z solzicami : mati, mati, solzice!Ma mulec pijani! Kaksne solzice? Po krompir sem te poslala!!</TD></TR></T></TABLE>



You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I AM GOD!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Mitja M.J. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06.Jul.2010 at 21:16

"Naj" izjave nogometašev…

Niso ravno jedrski fiziki. Daleč od tega, kljub temu pa so nekateri svetovno znani zvezdniki nogometnih zelenic s svojimi izjavami pojmu neumnost odprli popolnoma nove razsežnosti. Morda zinejo, preden premislijo. Kakor koli že, slavni nogometaši so mnoge nasmejali do solz. Poglejmo nekaj najbolj bistroumnih.
Oliver Kahn:“Ne igramo, da bi zabili gol, temveč, da bi zmagali!”
Mark Viduka: “Vseeno mi je, če izgubimo vse tekme, samo da osvojimo prvenstvo.”
David Beckham: “Definitivno sem se odločil, da bom krstil Brooklyna, samo ne vem še, v kateri ver.i”
Mark Draper: “Želel bi si igrati v italijanski ligi, na primer v Barceloni.”
Gary Lineker: “Vmes ni nič - ali si dober ali pa slab. Mi smo bili nekje vmes.”
Alan Shearer: “Nikoli nisem hotel oditi. Tu sem celo življenje, pa upam, da bom tudi po tem.”
Mehmet Scholl: “Na dopust bom najverjetneje odpotoval nekam v južne kraje- na primer v Kanado.”
Mario Basler: “To sem mu povedal tudi verbalno.”
Udo Lattek: “Igrali so taktično zelo dobro, čeprav brez taktike.”
Andreas Moeler: “Moj največji problem je, da sem zelo samokritičen. Včasih tudi do sebe.”
Juergen Wegmann: “Najprej nas je zapustila sreča, potem pa je prišla še smola.”
Franz Walter jr.: “Klinsmann in jaz sva dober trio. Mislim, kvartet.”
Kevin Keegan: “Nemci imajo le enega igralca, ki je mlajši od 22 let, pa še ta jih ima 23.”
Lawrie McMenemy: ” Kadar vodiš s 4:0, ne bi smel nikoli izgubiti z 1:7.”
Klaus Toppmoller: ”Zame je to prava sramota, da odhaja v Bayern, ampak če vprašate mene, je ravnal prav!”
Kevin Gallacher: ”Ne spomnim se več, kdaj smo nazadnje zabili tri gole. Verjetno proti Liverpoolu, ko smo zmagali z 2:0.”
Franz Beckenbauer: “Obstaja samo ena možnost: zmaga, remi ali poraz”
Berti Vogts: “Milsim, da lahko prvouvrščeno moštvo vedno premaga vodilni klub na lestvici.”
Čiro Miroslav Blaževič: “Veste kaj sem jaz za Otta Barića? Ne Einstein, ampak Zweistein!”
Ruud Gullit: “V 99 odstotkih tekme smo bili boljši nasprotnik, preostali trije procenti so nas stali zmage.”
Paul Merson: “Liverpool je bil kot “mishy-mashy”. Vem, da to ni nič ne pomeni, vendar bi moralo.”
Še nekaj naših:
Željko Vela: “Na začetku tekme je bila temperatura visokih 33 stopinj Celzija. V drugem polčasu je prišlo do hitre ohladitve. Zdaj je temperatura 32 stopinj.”
Nastja Čeh: “Norvežani imajo veliko sreče, ne vem od kje. Zanima me, kje kupujejo te stvari.”
Edin Osmanovič: “Bili smo absolutno boljši nasprotnik v polju, priigrali smo si kar nekaj priložnosti, Koper pa nam je dal tri gole brez ene prave priložnosti.”
Amir Karič: “Sodnik je očitno prebral premalo knjig.”
Brane Oblak: “Karič ima eno napako. Preveč igra športno napoved in nikoli ne vem, za koga igra, za nas ali za koga drugega.”
Za konec pa še kategorija Cimerotič:
“Tujih jezikov ne obvladajo. Komunikacija je bila neznosna. Kot da bi se pogovarjal s posterji.”
“Rad bi pozdravil starše, predvsem mamo in očeta.”
“Bolelo me je koleno na nogi!”
“Selektorju Branetu Oblaku bi za rojstni dan zaželel srečnega in zdravega.”
“Moja generacija je mladost preživela na igriščih, zdaj pa so okoli igrišč ograje in mladi so v parkih s cigareti.”
“Ne predstavljam si življenje brez Playstationa. Moram si kupiti trojko, ampak nimam časa. Ni šans, da bi na priprave odšel brez njega, ne morem si predstavljati. Če ga ni ob meni, takoj za 30 do 40 odstotkov slabše treniram.”

 

MacGyver je zakon!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Mitja M.J. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10.Jul.2010 at 00:17
jebeš Chuck Norrisa, Spongebob peče roštilj pod vodo
 


Edited by Mitja M.J. - 10.Jul.2010 at 00:18
MacGyver je zakon!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote blackoutt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13.Jul.2010 at 18:25


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Lunik Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13.Jul.2010 at 19:18
Hahahaha, zmagovalna slikca. Big%20smileBig%20smileBig%20smile
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21.Jul.2010 at 19:52
Tole mislim, da gre lahko kar v vice, naša "ena obrv" je nula proti Sajotu... LOL
 
Sajo care, kupi nam cigare!!
 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24.Jul.2010 at 22:52
Sedi devojka u autobusu, sluša muziku, kad ulazi neki matori deda.
Stane pored devojke i kroz pet minuta počne standardnom forom.

Povuče je za rukav i veli: Ajd, ustani da ja sednem, mlađa si.

Odjebi, budalo matora, kaže devojka ni pogledavši starca.

Zatim sledi ono uobičajno srpsko pičkaranje.

Veli starac: Jebem ti mater i oca da ti jebem, jebem ti sestru i
tetku i strinu i sve po spisku da ti jebem.

A devojka če onako opušteno: Kad možeš toliko da jebeš, možeš i da stojiš.
 
 
 
 
Kao što je svima poznato, Sokrat je u antičkoj Grčkoj bio filozof koji poštuje znanje. Jednog dana dođe njemu njegov učenik Platon i reče mu:
- Učitelju, znaš li što sam upravo čuo o tvom prijatelju?
- Čekaj malo - zaustavi ga Sokrat - prije nego išta kažeš, želim napraviti test trostrukog kriterija!
- Test trostrukog kriterija? - začudi se Platon.
- Upravo tako - nastavi Sokrat - moram znati hoće li tvoja izjava zadovoljavati kriterije istine, dobrote i koristi. Dakle, prvo pitanje: Jesi li siguran da je to što mi hoćeš reći istina?
- Ne, nisam siguran, jer sam samo čuo kako ljudi o tome na ulici pričaju.
- Dobro - odgovori Sokrat - a je li to što mi hoćeš reći o mome prijatelju nešto dobro?
- Ne, naprotiv - odgovori Platon.
- Dobro - kaže Sokrat - znači, želiš mi reći nešto loše o mojem prijatelju, a nisi čak ni siguran je li to točno. A hoće li ta tvoja izjava meni donijeti neku materijalnu korist?
- Ne, ne baš...
- Znaš - reče Sokrat - ako to što mi hoćeš reći nije istina, nije dobro i nije meni korisno, zašto bi mi uopće to rekao?
I tako, Sokrat, visoko cijenjena osoba stare Grčke nikada nije saznao da mu najboji prijatelj jebe ženu!

 
 
 
 
A man and a woman were having drinks together when they got into an argument about which sex enjoys intercourse more.
"Men obviously enjoy sex more than women," the man said, "Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman said. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it, wiggle it around and pull it out,
which feels better, your ear or your finger?"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25.Jul.2010 at 12:51
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25.Jul.2010 at 18:00
While making love to his wife, a man said "Let's do 68."
"What's that?", his wife asked.
"You give me head, and I'll owe you one."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Mitja M.J. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26.Jul.2010 at 00:10

Pride gospa v lekarno in rece lekarnarju:

"Jaz bi kupila dozo arzena, prosim!"

Lekarnar: "Gospa, arzen je hud strup. Zakaj ga pa rabite?"

Ona: "Ubila bom moža!"

Lekarnar: "Gospa, jaz vam arzena ne morem
kar tako prodati, sploh pa ne za takšen namen!"

Pa ona brez besed iz torbice potegne sliko in jo

postavi na pult. Na sliki seksata njen mož in lekarnarjeva žena.

Pa pravi lekarnar:" Joj gospa, se opravičujem. Nisem vedel,
da imate recept!"

MacGyver je zakon!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Beastboy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27.Jul.2010 at 08:02
A jebeš vse skp!
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ta je hud :D
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29.Jul.2010 at 08:24
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29.Jul.2010 at 18:46
Professor:
"Can you tell the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness & peace into people's lives?"

Student:
"Smo-King, Drin-King & Fuc-King."

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29.Jul.2010 at 19:48
Dođu Mujo i Haso prvi put u javnu kuću, gledaju, gledaju...Priđe njima madam i upita ih što bi željeli, a oni odgovore da imaju 20 maraka, pa pitaju što se za tu lovu može dobiti.
- Gospodo, nemojte me nasmijavati - reče im madam - za taj novac možete jedan drugome u parku popušiti.
Odu njih dvojica posramljeni, ali za desetak minuta evo njih natrag. Kaže im madam:
- Dobro, jesam li vam rekla što da napravite? I što sad opet hoćete?
- Jeste, jeste, rekli ste nam, i mi smo vas poslušali - kaže Mujo - pa smo sad došli platiti.

Dođe Zagrepčanka u sarajevsku mesnicu i pita mesara Muju:
- Imate li nogice?
- A što misliš, da na kurcu stojim?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Poli Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29.Jul.2010 at 20:01
Dođe Mujo kući navečer pijan k'o letva, i zavuče se pored Fate koja je već spavala. Kad se probudio vidio je čudnog čovjeka kako stoji pored kreveta noseći dugu plavu haljinu.

TKo si ti? - upita Mujo.

Ja sam sveti Petar!

Jel' to znači da sam ja mrtav?

Da!

Ali, imam još toliko razloga za život, nisam se oprostio od porodice... Moraš me poslati nazad i to odmah.

Možeš se reinkarnirati, ali postoji kvaka. Mogu te poslati nazad ali samo kao psa ili kao kokoš.

Onda bolje kao kokoš pošto znam da ima farma odmah blizu moje kuće. Sveti Petar pljesne rukama, pojavi se svjetlost i Mujo se nađe prekriven perjem kako kljuca okolo po dvorištu.

Dođe pijetao do njega i pita Muju: Šta, znači, ti si nova ovjde, jel' uživaš prvi dan ovdje?

Da, super je, ali imam čudan osjećaj iznutra - kao da ću eksplodirati.

Ma nije to ništa. Nemoj mi reći da nikad nisi snijela jaje? Ako nisi, samo se opusti i pusti da sve ide svojim tokom.

I Mujo se opusti i poslje par trenutaka izleti jaje.

I obuzme Muju milina jer je jer je po prvi put osjetio materinstvo. Kad je snjeo drugo jaje, obuzeo ga val emocija i znao je da je reinkarnacija u kokošku nešto najbolje u životu što mu se moglo desiti... Ikada!!! Osećaj je bio fenomenalan i taman kad je htjeo da snese i treće jaje osjeti udarac u potiljak i čuje Fatu kako viče: Probudi se, pič*a ti materina pijana, ser*š po krevetu...
Anything is possible     dec d uej

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_wasted-tina_ View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote _wasted-tina_ Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31.Jul.2010 at 21:31
smo zdle pr men doma pa je bla ena taka izjava skor kot jih dajejo fuzbalerji:
"nikad nam delou pa nkol nam" :)

ja možn de sm skor crklna od smeha ker sm prbita, sam vseeen... NIKAD nAM DELOU PA NKOL NAM :D :D :D
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote _wasted-tina_ Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01.Aug.2010 at 02:57
chuck norris se je rodil v hiši, ki jo je zgradil z lastnimi rokami...

:)))))
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Mitja M.J. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01.Aug.2010 at 11:58
Q:kaj je delal Chuck Norris ko so sestavljali čisto taprvo videokamero?
A:Snemal.
 
Je pa tudi res, da je Chuck Norris zgubil nedolžnost pred svojim očetom...
MacGyver je zakon!
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