Mujo i Haso u kafiću nakon ispita...

- Onda, kako je bilo na ispitu iz fizike?

- Paa...znas bilo je jako pobožno!

- Kako to misliš pobožno?

- Pa lijepo,kad je profesor postavljao pitanja ja sam se križao, a kada sam ja odgovarao on se križao.

ljudožerke ujamejo amerikanca, slovenca, pa bosanca

ujameta zajec in medved zlato ribic

Mož pride domov ob sedmih zjutraj in se skoraj zaleti v ženo, ki ga čaka na hodniku.

Žena: "Nekam pozen si, Superman?!"

Mož: "Lahko ti pojasnim, draga. Žal mi je, toda bil sem s strankami..."

Žena: "..in potem si z njimi razpravljal do sedmih zjutraj, kajne, Superman?"

Mož: "Počakaj da končam. Uspelo mi je pridobiti novo stranko, zato sem ga odpeljal na večerjo…"

Žena: "...ki je trajala do sedmih zjutraj? Superman, nikar me ne imej za tako neumno!"

Mož: "Priznam, da smo šli še v nočni bar na pijačo in smo bili tam do treh..."

Žena: "...ja, ja, Superman, do treh. In kje si bil do sedmih?"

Mož: "Nooo, odšli smo še v striptiz klub, ampak jaz sem samo gledal, bil je živi dolgčas!"

Žena: "Vse je v redu, Superman, ti si samo gledal, čakal. Kaj naj ti še verjamem, Superman?"

Mož: "Pusti da končno povem do konca. In zakaj mi stalno govoriš Superman?"

Žena: "Zato, ker samo Superman nosi gate preko hlač..."

Duhovnik iz male slovenske vasi je bil velik ljubitelj ptic, ki jih je skrbno čuval v kletki za cerkvijo. Neko nedeljsko jutro je ob običajnem sprehodu med perjad opazil, da je izginil njegov najlepši ptič in ker je vedel da ga je moral ukrasti nekdo tik pred mašo, se je odločil nagovoriti svoje vernike.

'Kdo ima tiča?!'
Vstali so vsi moški.
'Ne, nisem mislil tako. Je kdo videl tiča?'
Vstale so vse ženske.
'Ne, ne, tudi tega nisem mislil. Je kdo videl tiča, ki mu ne pripada?'
Vstala je polovica žensk.
'Neeee, ne in ne, mislil sem ali je kdo videl MOJEGA tiča?'
Vstali so ministranti, dva duhovnika in koza.

'Neee mislil sem ali ima kdo zdaj tiča v rokah?

Vstala je punca v zadnji klopi in rekla fantu. 'Sem ti rekla da bo videl'

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Odlučio Mujo da se riješi mačke pa je strpa u auto i izbaci u drugom kvartu.
 Mačka se, naravno, odmah vrati kuči.
 Sutradan ode Mujo na kraj grada i tamo je ostavi.
 Mačka se opet isti dan vrati.
 Popizdi Mujo i ode s mačkom u neku šumu daleko od gradai usput se izgubi u šumi.
Nakon nekog vremena zove Fatu mobitelom:
 -Fato, jel stigla mačka?
 -Jeste.
 -De mi je malo na telefon , da je nešto pitam...

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Na nekem sojenju v malem mestu ob Missisipiju, je tozilec kot svojo prvo prico poklical staro gospo. Pristopil je k njej in jo vprasal: < Gospa Jones ali me poznate?<

Odgovorila je: >Pa jasno, seveda te poznam gospod Williams. Poznam te odkar si se rodil in ce posteno povem si eno veliko razocaranje zame. Lazes, varas svojo zeno, manipuliras z ljudmi in jih za hrbtom opravljas. Mislis da si frajer, pa nimas niti toliko pameti, da bi ugotovil da ne bos nikoli dober za kaj vec, kot za prelaganje papirjev. Seveda te poznam!

Tožilec je onemel. Ni vedel kaj naj stori pa je pokazal cez dvorano in vprasal: " Ali njega poznate?"

Odgovorila je: >Da, tudi njega poznam od malega. Gospod Bradley je len poboznjakar, pa se zapit povrhu. Z nikomer ne zna vzpostaviti normalnega  odnosa, njegova odvetniska praksa je ena najslabsih v celi drzavi. In da ne omenjam, da je varal svojo zeno s tremi drugimi zenskami. Ena od teh je vasa zena.<

Branilec je skoraj umrl od sramu. Sodnik je poklical oba odvetnika k sebi in cisto potiho zasepetal: >Ce jo kateri od vaju idiotov vprasa, ce pozna mene, vaju posljem na elektricni stol!

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Mali Haso zacne v Ljubljani hoditi v prvi razred. Zacuda nosi domov same petke in konec leta je odlicnjak.Odlicnjak je tudi v drugem, tretjem  in cetrtem razredu. Pravzaprav je dalec najboljci ucenec na soli. Zato se vodstvo sole in obcine odloci, da ga nagradijo. Zadnji dan v cetrtem razredu, ko dobi spricevalo, mu podelijo slovensko drzavljanstvo in mu ime spremenijo v Janez. Ponosen pride domov in pove ocetu Mujotu : "Jaz nisem vec Bosanec Haso. Dali so mi slovensko drzavljanstvo in ime, sedaj sem Slovenec in ime mi je Janez !". Mujo popizdi in ga zacne mlatiti kot vola. Haso-Janez med jokom uspe pobegniti na cesto in sreca sosolca, ki ga vprasa, kaj se je zgodilo. Haso-Janez : "Zdaj vas pa razumem. Komaj eno uro sem Slovenec, pa ze imam probleme s cefurji."

Pogovarjata se Slovenec in Hrvat. Pa rece Hrvat: “Jao Janezu, sanjao sam ti nocas Ljubljanu. Sva u plamenu, kuce srusene, avioni lete i sve bombarduju, ljudi mrtvi na ulici, uzas, ti kazem …”

In Slovenec na to: “Joj, kaksni ste vi Hrvati, sanjate same neke slabe sanje. Jaz sem ponoci sanjal Zagreb! Vsepovsod praznujejo, glasba vsepovsod, ljudje na ulicah, plesejo, pojejo, se veselijo, bogastvo vsepovsod, po vsem mestu pa visijo neki veliki plakati …”

Hrvat ves vesel: “Jeli bogami, veselo? A sta pise na plakatima?!”

Slovenec: “Nimam pojma … Ne znam brati cirilice …“

najjaci lol

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during Happy Hour.

 2. Always toast before doing a shot.

 3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

 4. Change your toast at least once a month.

 5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

 6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

 7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

 8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty,
very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit
orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

 9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot:
      Great, now I'm going to get drunk.
      I hate shots.
      It's coming back up.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public, and you will forever be known as the guy who
drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing -
urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom.
Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake
your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or
more people.

26. If there is a DJ, you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it
within half an hour, don't approach him again. If he does play it, don't approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all
their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the
bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least 2 cans before you
start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would
be doing it.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender's guide and browse thru
all the drinks you've never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If you're the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the
bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook.
The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell
the barmaid to keep the change, but, once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back.
To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, "Hey, it all spends the same," then you are
a cheap ass.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink
to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break
a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

45. It's okay to drink alone.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she
tells you. The rest of the night you will call her "baby" or "darling".

47. Nothing screams 'Gay' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you
think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

56. Screaming, "Someone buy me a drink!" has never worked.

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight.
There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

59. If you're broke and a friend is "sporting you", you must laugh at all his jokes
and play wingman when he makes his move.

60. If you're broke and a friend is "ragging on you", you may steal any drink he
leaves unattended.

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily
putting your head on a chopping block.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another,
always say "Yes". Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying
more drinks than him.

63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well
before and after, regardless of her response.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front
of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot."

67. Never ask a bartender "What's good tonight?" They do not fly in the scotch
fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your damn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your father, hers, your
brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really
drunk, the mothers.

71. It's acceptable, traditional, in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking.
You will appear mysterious, and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered, and they're
sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a
physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and, either way, you're going to come off
as a jackass.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not
deserve a drink.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila
makes you felonious.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with "I know this is going to
be a hassle, but . . ."

78. When you're in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a
fat lip. Unless he's buying.

79. If you are 86'd, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it
appear no other bar wants you.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

81. If you're going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It's the no-tell liquor.

82. There's nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you're supposed to be
at work.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give.
And make sure there's something in it.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

86. You will forget everyone of of these rules by your fifth drink.

Tole je sicer že staro, samo vseen... Preberte si, kake skrbi si delajo nekateri starci glede svojih otrok... Sam je pa "zaskrbljena mama" dobila nagrado!

Odpre medve novo mesnico in kod prva stranka pride k medvedu zajec in ga upraša če ma kilo jagod za prodat.Medved mu odvrn da je to mesnica in da prodaja meso in ne sadja.Naslednji dan pride spet zajec prašat medveda če  ma kilo jagod za predat, medved mu spet pove da je to mesnica in da prodaja meso in ne sadja.To se ponavleja skozi cel teden.Nato medved konec tedna popizdi in reče zajcu če me šenkrt prašaš če prodajam jagode te prbijem gor na zid.Naslednji teden pride zajec vs prestrašen v medvo mesnic in praša medveda če ma žeblje.Medved mu reč da jih nima, potem mu reče zajec a maš kilo jagod za prodat!!!! 

NJEN DNEVNIK:

V soboto zvečer se mi je zazdel nekam čuden. Dobila sva se v bifeju in popila pijačo.

Pomislila sem, da sem jaz kriva za njegovo razpoloženje,

ker sem bila celo popoldne v shopingu s prijateljico in malo zamudila na zmenek,

ampak on ni nič rekel. Pogovor se je zatikal, pa sem mu predlagala,

da greva na kako bolj mirno mesto, da bi se v miru pogovorila.

Šla sva v restavracijo, ampak on se je še naprej čudno obnašal.  

Z mislimi je bil nekje odsoten. Vprašala sem ga, kaj mu je,

pa mi je samo odgovoril, da to nima veze z mano.

Odgovor mi ni zvenel ravno prepričljivo.

Ko sva se z avtom vračala domov, sem mu rekla, da ga imam rada,

ampak on ni nič odgovoril, samo roko je položil na moje rame.

Nisem si znala razložiti njegovega obnašanja, saj ni rekel nazaj,

da me ima rad.

Nič ni rekel.

Postajala sem vedno bolj zaskrbljena. Ko sva prišla, sem pomislila,

da me mogoče hoče zapustiti.

Poskušala sem navezati pogovor, a on je samo prižgal TV in odsotno gledal program,

kot da mi hoče povedati,  da je med nama konec.  

Na koncu sem odnehala in rekla, da grem spat.

Nekaj minut kasneje je prišel tudi on.

Na moje presenečenje se je odzval na moje božanje in se ljubil z mano.

Ampak še vedno je bil nekoliko raztresen.

Hotela sem se soočiti s situacijo in se pogovoriti, ampak on je samo zaspal.

Začela sem jokati in jokala sem dokler nisem zaspala.

Ne vem več, kaj storiti.

Prepričana sem, da ima drugo !

Moje življenje je popolna katastrofa !

  NJEGOV DNEVNIK:

Hajduk je danes izgubil.